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Valentine's Day...an Idiot's Story

In my perspective, the world's most worst holiday is coming up in a few days. It is the one day that I never really enjoyed since 12th grade in High School. I never went to the Prom or any other dances at my school while growing up because I had lived about 20 miles away. My School was in Washington Terrace, Utah, and I lived in Syracuse, UT, so I never really stay or attend to any of the after school activities, which I now look back and regret. But that's not the point of the story.

The summer before my Senior year, I was working at Lagoon and I met a girl, Suzanne Noyce. Oh, a lot of guys liked her, and so did I. She attended to Roy High and I went to Bonneville, but still lived in Syracuse. But we kept in touch, over the months after our summertime break. Given that all the guys were chasing after her, I was the one guy that she enjoyed talking to. Suzanne was an very amazing person.

In 1996, there was a Valentine Dance, and I just had started a new job, which I started to bring in the money. I also had a car, so getting to Bonneville and back was getting easier, and I did stay after school to work on stuff that eventually made me an Engineer. So, getting around was easier for me, and since Valentine Dance was just around the corner, I asked Suzanne out and she said yes.

Oh, my thoughts were running up and down, and I was very excited. The theme of the dance was to wear matching shirts. As much as I wanted to make this night memorable, I went out and made reservations to a restaurant, had my Mom get us 2 Browning long sleeve shirts, got new clothes for that night, cleaned out my car, trying to make the best impression as I could. All this for one night with Suzanne.

The night came, and I met up at her house. I met her parents for the first time, and Suzanne was very excited. Took a few pictures, and off we went. We ate and had a good time, then we went to the dance. The night was perfect, as we danced a few times, and took pictures. Then Suzanne said, "Let's get out of here."

We got to the car, and I said, "What do you want to do?" She told me she wanted me to go for a drive, perhaps to the Trapper's Loop. Now, the Trapper's loop goes up to the Ogden Canyon, to a small town in the mountains, and you have to drive through the mountains, and come out to Weber Canyon. There was about 20 miles of total darkness.

As I was just a teenager at the time, I never really caught on with the hint that Suzanne was giving out. As I drove out for a while, Suzanne and I talked for a bit, and she was giving me hints, and I never caught on. So, Suzanne decided to take a short nap, until I finished the loop. That night, Suzanne and I had a lot of fun, but I never knew that she wanted to kiss me. Of all the signs she gave me, I was just an idiot. I could have had my first kiss with this girl, and I did like her a lot. I just never knew how to make a move on a girl, and I blew it.

After I dropped Suzanne at home, we talked for a bit and it went well. Well, a few weeks later, I wrote a letter to Suzanne and told her how I felt. I told her that I wanted us to pursue a relationship. Well, she wrote back a few days later, and it was the most heartbreaking letter I ever got. She wanted us to be friends, and it was hard. I later learned that night we went to the dance, and I never kissed her, she thought I wasn't interested in her, which hurt her very much. And I never got in touch with her for weeks, she moved on. But she was surprised that I wrote to her, and perhaps her feelings about me has changed.

Ever since that Valentine's Day comes around, it reminds me of that dance, and each year, I see people being with their love ones, and it bothers me. I have never been in a relationship that has overlap February 14th, and I have been in a few of them, and they don't work out very well. So, when that day comes, I think about the relationships that I have been, and ask myself a few "what if" questions. So, it's been that way for many years.

Yes, last year, I used to go out with this girl, Hannah, who married (Whatever explicative name you want to put here) on February 14th, and it even made me hate that day more, but it wasn't the reason why I hated Valentine's day.

But...now I just met Kelley, and I am going to be asking her out. My hope is that the curse will be broken, and perhaps next year, the relationship could overlap Valentine's day, and if it does...I won't hate it anymore. So, I'm only days away from asking her, and I'm getting a bit nervous.

Kelley, to be, or not to be my Valentine?

Recently, I just met somebody that caught my attention. It all started back in December, when I first came to the office to get an issue resolved at my apartment. That's when I met her, sitting with a red sweater, sparkling brown eyes, dark hair, and a smile that makes time stop. After I had talked to her about the issue, I left, but the thought of her hasn't left me.

Two weeks later, I had to go back to the office to give a rent check, 2 weeks before it's due. I had to explain that it would be post dated, because I would not be back from Colorado until January 5th, and if I didn't give them a check by then, I would face late fees. But then again, there she was. I found out her name is Kelley. At the time, I got to talk to her a bit more, and it was good. So, during the next few weeks, she was still in my mind. What was it about her that got my attention, I wondered.

Then come January, another issue at my apartment appeared, and I needed to go back to the office to get it resolved. But then guess what...she was there again. But this time...I got to talk to her even more, and made jokes. Sure enough, it was great. Each meeting only lasted a few minutes, but I can say that when I'm there, time almost froze. After discussing the issue, Kelley said that she would take care of it for me.

Then come on Monday, a few days after I had talked to her. I quickly realize that the maintenance people had made a mistake on the request that I made. So I grabbed the work order, and ran down to the office to catch them in time before it closed. It was just moments that Kelley was ready to leave. She was willing to make the time to stay a bit longer and help me correct the work order, I found a perfect chance to talk to her a bit more.

"So, How was your weekend?" I asked.

"Short, but it was good." she responded.

"Do you always work on Saturdays?"

"No, I just work every other Saturdays, and you just happen to come to all those Saturdays when I was working." With a smile, she continued, "Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm just being stalked by you."

A bit shocked, I quickly defended myself and said, "No! It was just an coincidence."

"Aw man, I was hoping you would say yes, because the would be an compliment to me!"

With a witty quick response, I said, "Actually, I will admit that I was just looking out to see if your car was there, and it was, I would come in."

She laughed, "NICE!"

That conversation with Kelley certainly left a smile in me when I left. It gave me a perfect opening to come up with a chance to ask her out. Now that she knows who I am, and I can tell that she likes me, I think it would be a good chance to ask her out.

So, this coming Saturday, I do know that she'll be working that day. My plan is to get a single pink rose, and walk into her office with it. Have a little small chat, and if she ask about the rose, I'll tell her that "It's for this girl that I just met, I don't know her well, but from what I know, she's cute, smart, and has a great sense of humor which I like about her. I'm thinking about giving her this rose and ask her out. What do you think?" Then I'll see what her response is. if it's good, then I'll give it to her and ask her out.

Now comes to my struggle about this whole thing. Ever since I became a member of the LDS church, I have never dated anybody outside of the church, not because I chose to, but because it just happened that way. It's been 13 years, and the truth is, dating LDS people has never gone anywhere. So recently, I have been thinking about dating people outside of church, and for some reason, my brain is running thought a lot of scenarios.

One of them is, "What happens if I dated a non-member and it goes really well? Then what?" Things come to mind are, Marriage in the Temple, sharing the same faith, and so on. But then a part of me says, "Why do I really care?" I do love the church and it's teaching, but I really am bothered by how I am treated by people in the church. It's like that I'm not even good enough for them or whatever it may be the case. There has been many times in the past, that I met a few girls that were amazing, and I never got around to asking them out because I was trying to stay in the LDS world. Now I wish I could take it back.

When I moved out here in Kansas, I had struggled a several times with the people that I had taken a little bit of interest getting to know that are members of the church. They all freaked out one way or another. I never felt like I had a fair chance at all. I mean, I'm talking about Christin, Hannah, Johanna, and a few others. So I never felt comfortable being around them, because people talk. So, when I try to be at Institute, I have a hard time being there. So, lately, I meet people outside of the church, and you know what? I am far more welcomed by them. So, I figure...why not give it a chance to ask somebody out. And now, here comes Kelley, and so far, I like her for who she is. So I'm willing to take a chance.


It's 2010 already? In February? And Valentine's coming up this weekend? Where did the time go? Life is short. It really is, and as much as people want to stop time to enjoy the current event they are in, it's impossible to do so, whereas memories are the only thing we can have to preserve the past. But we have other ways to preserve them, by Journal, Photos, CD's, any recording media would do. But none of them records feelings that we have experienced. The past year has been very rocky, and the feelings I've went through has helped me shape who I really am. As time goes by quickly, I begin to forget the feelings that I have been through, and the best I can do, is to record them in the best word possible.

As it's the new year, There's not a whole lot for me to look forward to. I have certain goals to reach but nothing grand at this time. But what I can say is that I'm glad that I can just let go of the past, since I struggled to do so in 2009. But this year, I can really say, "Bring it on!"

I've been getting a few notes from my good friend, Melinda, to ask me what's going on. As I was going through a Rocky Emotional year, I couldn't really write the words down to say what's up with me, as my brain has been running a hundred thousand of things at once. But as I recently got a short letter from her, I realize that I need to get in touch with her...but at the same time, start writing my Journal again.

Partiality, I blame Facebook for taking my time away from my purpose on this Livejournal site. I'll do better this year.
Long, but worth the read.

The Employee Meeting: I would like to start by thanking you for attending this meeting, though it's not like you had much of a choice. After all, attendance was mandatory. I'm also glad many of you accepted my invitation to your family members to be here as well. I have a few remarks to make to all of you, and then we'll retire to the ballroom for a great lunch and some employee awards.

I felt that this meeting was important enough to close all 12 of our tire and automotive shops today so that you could be here. To reassure you, everybody is being paid for the day --- except me. Since our stores are closed we're making no money. That economic loss is mine to sustain. Carrington Automotive has 157 full time employees and around 30 additional part-timers. All of you are here. I thank you for that.

When you walked into this auditorium you were handed a rather thick 78-page document. Many of you have already taken a peek. You were probably surprised to see that it's my personal tax return for 2008. Those of you who are adept at reading these tax returns will see that last year my taxable income was $534,000.00. Now I'm sure this seems rather high to many of you. So ... let's talk about this tax return.

Carrington Automotive Enterprises is what we call a Sub-S - a Subchapter S corporation. The name comes from a particular part of our tax code. Sub-S status means that the income from all 12 of our stores is reported on my personal tax return. Businesses that report their income on the owner's personal tax return are referred to as "small businesses." So, you see now that this $534,000 is really the total taxable income - the total combined profit from all 12 of our stores. That works out to an average of a bit over $44,000 per store.

Why did I feel it important for you to see my actual 2008 tax return? Well, there's a lot of rhetoric being thrown around today about taxes, small businesses and rich people. To the people in charge in Washington right now I'm a wealthy American making over a half-million dollars a year. Most Americans would agree: I'm just another rich guy; after all ... I had over a half-million in income last year, right? In this room we know that the reality is that I'm a small business owner who runs 12 retail establishments and employs 187 people. Now here's something that shouldn't surprise you, but it will: Just under 100 percent ... make that 99.7 percent of all employers in this country are small businesses, just like ours.

Every one of these businesses reports their income on a personal income tax return. You need to understand that small businesses like ours are responsible for about 80 percent of all private sector jobs in this country, and about 70 percent of all jobs that have been created over the past year. You also need to know that when you hear some politician talking about rich people who earn over $200,000 or $500,000 a year, they're talking about the people who create the jobs.

The people who are now running the show in Washington have been talking for months about raising taxes on wealthy Americans. I already know that in two years my federal income taxes are going to go up by about 4.5 percent. That happens when Obama and the Democrats allow the Bush tax cuts to expire. When my taxes climb by 4.5 percent the Democrats will be on television saying that this really isn't a tax increase. They'll explain that the Bush tax cuts have expired .. nothing more. Here at Carrington we'll know that almost 5% has been taken right off of our bottom line. And that means it will be coming off your bottom line.

Numbers are boring, I know ... but let's talk a bit more about that $534,000. That's the money that was left last year from company revenues after I paid all of the salaries and expenses of running this business. Now I could have kept every penny of that for myself, but that would have left us with nothing to grow our business, to attract new customers and to hire new employees. You're aware that we've been talking about opening new stores in Virginia Beach and Newport News . To do that I will have to buy or lease property, construct a building and purchase inventory. I also have to hire additional people to work in those stores. These people wouldn't immediately be earning their pay. So, where do you think the money for all of this comes from? Right out of our profits .. right out of that $534,000. I need to advertise to bring customers in, especially in these tough times. Where do you think that money comes from? Oh sure, I can count it as an expense when I file my next income tax return .. but for right now that comes from either current revenues or last year's profits. Revenues right now aren't all that hot ... so do the math. A good effective advertising campaign might cost us more than $300,000.

Is this all starting to come together for you now?

Right now the Democrats are pushing a nationalized health care plan that, depending on who's doing the talking, will add anywhere from another two percent to an additional 4.6 percent to my taxes. If I add a few more stores, which I would like to do, and if the economy improves, my taxable income .... our business income ... could go over one million dollars! If that happens the Democrats have yet another tax waiting, another five percent plus! I've really lost track of all of the new government programs the Democrats and President Obama are proposing that they claim they will be able to finance with new taxes on what they call "wealthy Americans."

And while we're talking about health care, let me explain something else to you. I understand that possibly your biggest complaint with our company is that we don't provide you with health insurance. That is because as your employer I believe that it is my responsibility to provide you with a safe workplace and a fair wage and to do all that I can to preserve and grow this company that provides us all with income. I no more have a responsibility to provide you with health insurance than I do with life, auto or homeowner's insurance. As you know, I have periodically invited agents for health insurance companies here to provide you with information on private health insurance plans.

The Democrats are proposing to levy yet another tax against Carrington in the amount of 8 percent of my payroll as a penalty for not providing you with health insurance. You should know that if they do this I will be reducing every person's salary or hourly wage by that same 8 percent. This will not be done to put any more money in my pocket. It will be done to make sure that I don't suffer financially from the Democrat's efforts to place our healthcare under the control of the federal government. It is your health, not mine. It is your healthcare, not mine. These are your expenses, not mine. If you think I'm wrong about all this, I would sure love to hear your reasoning.

Try to understand what I'm telling you here. Those people that Obama and the Democrats call "wealthy Americans" are, in very large part, America 's small business owners. I'm one of them. You have the evidence, and surely you don't think that the owner of a bunch of tire stores is anything special. That $534,000 figure on my income tax return puts me squarely in Democrat crosshairs when it comes to tax increases.

Let's be clear about this ... crystal clear. Any federal tax increase on me is going to cost you money, not me. Any new taxes on Carrington Automotive will be new taxes that you, or the people I don't hire to staff the new stores I won't be building, will be paying. Do you understand what I'm telling you? You've heard about things rolling downhill, right? Fine ... then you need to know that taxes, like that other stuff, roll downhill. Now you and I may understand that you are not among those that the Democrats call "wealthy Americans," but when this "tax the rich" thing comes down you are going to be standing at the bottom of the mud slide, if you get my drift. That's life in the big city, my friends ... where elections have consequences.

You know our economy is very weak right now. I've pledged to get us through this without layoffs or cuts in your wages and benefits. It's too bad the politicians can't get us through this without attacking our profits. To insure our survival I have to take a substantial portion of that $534,000 and set it aside for unexpected expenses and a worsening economy. Trouble is, the government is eyeing that money too ... and they have the guns. If they want it, they can take it.

I don't want to make this too long. There's a great lunch waiting for us all. But you need to understand what's happening here. I've worked hard for 23 years to create this business. There were many years where I couldn't take a penny in income because every dollar was being dedicated to expanding the business. There were tough times when it took every dollar of revenues to replenish our inventory and cover your paychecks. During those times I earned nothing. If you want to see those tax returns, just let me know.
OK .... I know I'm repeating myself here. I don't hire stupid people, and you are probably getting it now. So let me just ramble for a few more minutes.Most Americans don't realize that when the Democrats talk about raising taxes on people making more than $250 thousand a year, they're talking about raising taxes on small businesses. The U.S. Treasury Department says that six out of every ten individuals in this country with incomes of more than $280,000 are actually small business owners. About one-half of the income in this country that would be subject to these increased taxes is from small businesses like ours. Depending on how many of these wonderful new taxes the Democrats manage to pass, this company could see its tax burden increase by as much as $60,000. Perhaps more.
I know a lot of you voted for President Obama. A lot of you voted for Democrats across the board. Whether you voted out of support for some specific policies, or because you liked his slogans, you need to learn one very valuable lesson from this election. Elections have consequences. You might have thought it would be cool to have a president who looks like you; or a president who is young, has a buff body, and speaks eloquently when there's a teleprompter in the neighborhood. Maybe you liked his promises to tax the rich. Maybe you believed his promise not to raise taxes on people earning less than a certain amount. Maybe you actually bought into his promise to cut taxes on millions of Americans who actually don't pay income taxes in the first place. Whatever the reason .. your vote had consequences; and here they are.
Bottom line? I'm not taking this hit alone. As soon as the Democrats manage to get their tax increases on the books, I'm going to take steps to make sure that my family isn't affected. When you own the business, that is what you're allowed to do. I built this business over a period of 23 years, and I'm not going to see my family suffer because we have a president and a congress who think that wealth is distributed rather than earned. Any additional taxes, of whatever description, that President Obama and the Democrats inflict on this business will come straight out of any funds I have set aside for expansion or pay and benefit increases. Any plans I might have had to hire additional employees for new stores will be put aside. Any plans for raises for the people I now have working for me will be shelved.. Year-end bonuses might well be eliminated. That may sound rough, but that's the reality.

You're going to continue to hear a lot of anti-wealth rhetoric out there from the media and from the left. You can choose to believe what you wish ... ..but when it comes to Carrington Automotive you will know the truth. The books are open to any of you at any time. I have nothing to hide. I would hope that other small business owners out there would hold meetings like this one, but I know it won't happen that often. One of the lessons to be learned here is that taxes ... all taxes ... and all regulatory costs that are placed on businesses anywhere in this country, will eventually be passed right on down to individuals; individuals such as yourself. This hasn't been about admonishing anyone and it hasn't been about issuing threats. This is part of the education you should have received in the government schools, but didn't. Class is now dismissed.


Coming to an end of 2009

As it seems that we're just weeks away from the end of 2009. This year has been quite a hectic one for me. I honestly do hope that 2010 is a better one compare to the 2 years I've been experiencing. All I can say is that I do expect a lot of changes to come the following year. For one, I don't see myself staying in Kansas for very long. I can't be 100% sure that this will happen, but I am 100% sure I want to be somewhere I feel at home and be happy. I have a lot to think about in the next few weeks.

It's been a while since I've written on Livejournal, and I do need to mention a few things before the end of the year. Recently, I was in Colorado, Denver for Thanksgiving and my cousin's wedding. I had an amazing time, and I had a lot to think about. I mostly listened to my heart, and now I need to figure out what I need to do to make things possible. So bear with me as the next few weeks will transpire what I've been through during 2009.

So I look forward to close the chapter of 2009 and start a new one, but I am uncertain how I'll start the new one.

Ignorant, Innocent or Clueless?

      Or am I more ambivalence? I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I am. Let me start off with why I would use the word, "Ignorant."

      Well, before I start off, I know a lot of people have a wrong impression of me. And honestly, that's okay. I've dealt with it for most of my life. So usually, it takes me a while to open up, and allow a person to get to know me and would understand why I am who I am.

      With my hearing loss, I am quite often in a different world than most people are used to. So I usually have to fend for myself to survive. And I have come a long way, and I am very independent. I have my own place, my own job, my own car, have lots of money in my name. So, I've been able to adapt to a life that I have, but constantly struggle with the challenges I face everyday.

      So first off, I get the impression that people think that I'm ignorant. I try to engage in a group conversation, and it is so difficult for me to keep up. I miss out a lot of things, so I don't really know what's going on. And that goes on all around me. When I'm at a mall, restaurant, concert, or parties with more than 3 people. I'm quite often quiet. It's not because I don't have much to say about what is being discussed. It's that I don't hear it, and I don't pick it up, thus, I don't have an opinion about it. So quite often, I'm left out, and certainly not being ignorant.

      So does it make me innocent of what goes on around me? Have you heard of the three wise monkeys? There's a Japaneses word for it, which I'm sure somebody might correct me. (You know who you are.) It's sanbiki no saru. Anyhoo, They represent, "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Say No Evil," motto. I loved it since I was a kid, and it stuck with me, but never realize that it's what I'm kinda experiencing right now. With my hearing loss, I don't really hear a lot of the bad things that are being said around me. I quite often hear that people say that they get back stabbed by somebody, or how they get treated and such. When I get that impression from somebody else, I don't quite see that. I feel like I'm the innocent guy who is just a bystander of not knowing what is being portrayed around me.

      Or, does that make me a very clueless person? I wouldn't think so at all. I know I am a very smart person, and I have done things that other people are amazed at what I do. But quite often, people who don't know me, thinks that I'm not a very smart or interesting person. It hurts me, even people don't tell me. I'm VERY good at reading people's facial impression or body impression. I can really tell if a person is lying or hiding something. I'm a very observant person, and I have my own unique way of solving problems that others seem to struggle with. So, me to be consider clueless? Nah.

      The reason why I'm writing this entry is to try to dispute a gossip that has been spread about me, by a certain person. This person never really got to know me and made a very bad accusation, and spread it outwards to the LDS community of Wichita. When I go to the LDS Institute, I do pick up quite a few people's facial expression, and I know what they are thinking of me, and I know they don't know how to be my friend without being uncomfortable. The accusation of me is that I was the "Stalker." I'm not going to go out and try to prove that claim is wrong. I can say that I totally understand why people would think that, but they don't understand why I function like this. They don't understand that my hearing loss has made me survive to function differently than a lot of "normal" people do.

      See, people have a way of gathering information. Mostly is done by hearing what goes around, what is being said, what is engaged in a conversation. I have a hard time picking that up. So I come with a different approach. I use my eyes instead. I investigate for information that I need, or that I come across. One of them is that I use a lot is Facebook. For years, I used to keep quiet about what information I find out about them, because it scares them if they knew how I found out. Well, I'm not going to keep quiet about anything anymore. I have found that it's the best way for me to gather information, so that I can use it to talk to my friends. It would help me carry a conversation that I struggle while being in group gathering.

      So in a normal hearing world, I could be either considered ignorant, innocent or clueless. But I'm neither. A friend of mine gave me a good word to use today, and it's ambivalence. I'm very uncertain about how can I live in a hearing world, but yet want to be a part of it, but I can't live in a deaf world. So I struggle to balance myself between the two worlds, and yet trying to define myself to fit in, a hard of hearing world. All the bad things that goes around me, I don't let it bother me, and always try to look at the good. But with my talents and skills to survive...I'm very unsure how to go about it, and let everybody know that their assumptions about me are wrong, and give me a chance to show you who I am.

      I have a friend that came to mind that I wanted to share. This has happened a few months ago, and he wore a sweater when I came to Institute. I was surprised to see it because I have the same thing. So the following week, I decided to wear the same sweater he wore the week before. As I walked in the room, I caught his face, and he made a smirk, and gave a full facial expression. That night, we have NEVER spoke to each other, and that's okay. Then I saw him on Facebook, and I told him of what his thoughts were. I told him that his facial impression gave way that he thought it was funny that I had the same sweater as he did, and he was surprised. His response? He said that I was right on. I knew my talents were pretty accurate.

      There has been times, when I was younger, that I caught people lying, and I told them right up front. They would deny it, and I can still catch them lying. So I've learned it's best not to confront them. So it's helped me become very good at investigating things and so on. I'm just a very different person than most people are, and I sometimes wish I could be given a chance to prove them wrong.

      I just really need good friends to be with in Wichita, and it's getting harder for me to be alone a lot.

There's something about Facebook....

      About a month ago, I locked myself out of Facebook, to get away from it because it was using up a lot of my time. I had changed a new position at work, and I was learning a lot of things from it, but the distraction was there, and it just lured me to Facebook. So, 30 days without being able to get in, I was able to get things done at work, but it wasn't 100 effective.

      I was distracted by IM at work. I was able to talk to people, but yet, I made some good friends that I enjoyed talking to. I wasn't able to stay focus fully, but without Facebook being in the way, it helped quite a bit with my work.

      Distraction is a horrible thing, but it can be used for a good thing. During my hiatus from Facebook, Micheal Jackson has passed away, and the media had made a big news about it. It seems that everybody has lost focus of the bad things going on in the world, and instead talk about a person who made music that a lot of people loved. Shortly afterwards, the media started going back to talk about the bad things in the world. It's like experiencing something sad, but good, is a distraction from an everyday bad thing we all hear about.

      When I got back on Facebook earlier this week, I saw something in me that I didn't realize before. Facebook holds a key to something that I really crave for. My friends. Currently I have 393 friends that I know are on Facebook, and reading up on them really entertains me. But when I was locked out for a while, I didn't really have a lot of people to talk to. So I saw a big difference. I was addicted to knowing what's going on with my friends. They're my distraction to an everyday thing, and it's a good one. But it has gotten to be too much. The reason why I was so addicted to Facebook really had nothing to do with applications that we add, or quizzes that we take. Because with my hearing loss, I do a lot of reading, and it's one of the BEST way for me to know what's going on. I turn to Facebook, because I feel like I fit in. I didn't realize this until after the 30 day lockdown.

      What I did was to remove all of the applications that I think are worthless and a waste of my time. There are a few things I'm keeping and from this point on, I won't accept any quizzes, causes or applications, but certainly will keep checking on to see how my friends are doing. Facebook has a certain power over you...but I won't go any further such as Twitter. It's much more than I can handle.

      But now it comes down to making some changes. They are the changes I know I can adjust to making, but the questions remains...how? As I've moved a lot in the past few years, and landed in Wichita, I know I don't have a lot of friends I can be with. Truth is, I do know for a fact that gossip has spread among a lot of people about me, and I get this feeling, and impression that nobody really wants to get to know me. Not even give me a chance to prove those gossip are wrong. I did mention about a girl that I wanted to get to know of, but I get this feeling that other people has told her about me, which makes it even harder. And there are other reasons why I have a hard time getting to know one another, but that's another planned entry in the near future. So I ask myself, how do I make the change, to open doors to many others who I really want to spend time with, so that I don't always fall on Facebook to know what they are doing?

      Distraction from bad gossip about me is what I need right now. 

What am I doing now?

      Well, it's been over a year since I moved in Wichita, KS. Looking back in my LJ, I did make lot of statements that I hated the area. Well...I'm not quite too fond of it, but I'm starting to enjoy it. I'm not a big fan of the area during the spring, but the rest of the year, starting from end of July to end of March, doesn't seem too bad at all. However, I quite often think about moving back to the West, and do hope that the day will come.

      However, it seems that I'm going to be here for quite a while. As long as Spirit is willing to pay for my schooling, I'm not going anywhere. At the same time, I have been saving up money to go to school full time, as I originally planned. As I started to look into it a bit deeper earlier this year, I'm amaze at the things that Spirit is willing to do for me to help me through school, and I may be able to get another college degree at the expense of the company. However, I plan to get the degree, Aerospace Engineering, no later than 2014. (That is if the world doesn't end on 2012.)

      I'm no longer on the Cessna Program since Cessna didn't have the money to support the program for the Citation Columbus. The program will come back possibility around at early 2011. It won't be called the Columbus since it's already has been tainted, but it'll be called something else, but the same design of the airplane. I do hope to come back on it, after all, it was the sole reason why I came to Kansas.

      I've been transferred to work on the Boeing 787 Dreamliner. I'm still learning the ropes, but picking it up quite well. I hope this time, this new airplane will take off. Adam Aircraft did produce a few airplanes and I did get to see it fly, but with the credit crush...the market will never take off. Then came the Cessna Program...never build a plane. As for Boeing, 15 of them are already build, and first flight hasn't taken place yet. They did some Taxi runs earlier this week, and it was good. Just a few more weeks, and we'll get to see it go up....it's just a matter of time. How do I like the job, by the way? There's so much to learn, but I do hope something better will come later in the future.

      My social life hasn't been too great. Since Hannah, I've pretty much avoided the people, especially from the Church and Institute, anybody who knows Hannah and myself. I've suspected some gossip going on, but couldn't quite confirm it until last week. I don't like the fact that people talk about me and not tell me about it so that I can defend it or what not. Fact is, I don't pick up a lot about what people talk about, but I do pick up how people react. I've seen a couple at Institute, and still do today. It's funny, they were all glad to be my friend before the nightmare started. Now...they don't really talk to me, and I just don't get it. However, things are changing.

       There has been a few new faces at Institute, and one that has caught my eye. But I'm being very cautious about the whole thing. Truth is, I want to get to know her, and I did ask her out. She has told me that she wants to get to know me, but doesn't want to go on a "date", but wants to hang out. I'm okay with that, so it's a bit challenging to get to know her. There are a few things I know about her, but not a whole lot. In the past few weeks, I've seen her at Institute, and I've been hoping to sit by her and perhaps get to know her better. Sadly, I haven't been able to sit by her. However, I had another chance to talk to her right after class, but she doesn't stick around...so I can't quite talk to her. I did talk to her on Facebook a few times, but I made a dumb choice...by locking myself out of Facebook, so I can't send her little messages, at least not until July 15th. So...I'm still trying to get to know her, and it's good because I don't feel rushed, and knowing Johanna...as much as I know...I know I would love to be her friend.

      However, there is somebody else that I'm talking to, and she's awesome. Her name's Andrea, and she lives like 300 miles away. We've talked nearly everyday online, she's really cool. We're going to meet at Kansas City on Saturday. We're going to meet at the Independence Visitor Center, then head to Liberty Jail, spend some time there for the crimes we committed, then head toward Kansas City, then have dinner and go see Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Not sure if I want to see it in 3D. I've told Andrea that I don't do long distance at all. But I knew she's been wanting to meet me, so I'm giving her a chance, we should have a great time.

      Photography has been my mom's favorite hobby, and she has turned it to make money out of it and did really well. I've picked a few things from her, and have taken a class or two. I am however, not a pro, but people has said that I have taken amazing pictures. Eh well, I just point and shot. However, I must admit that I do have a very nice camera that allows me to take some very good pictures. I have seen a few people's pictures, and they are better than I am. But it's given me an idea. Wichita seems to be very big on arts, and I think I might want to hone in the skills and start taking pictures, so that I can enter them in a gallery. I'm somewhat interested in making money off of my pictures...but I really want to see what people have to say, without them knowing me. So, I might start jumping into that.

Other than that...life is moving on. 

Picking up the pieces and moving on...

     It's been nearly 5 months since Hannah and Wayne made the biggest mistakes of their lives. As for me, I've been slowly picking up the pieces and trying to move forward. From that point on, I've learned a lot about myself about who I was, who I am, and what I can be. So I guess it's a good thing that I had to go through that experience to see a few things, things that I've deny about in the past.

      I've been a member of the LDS church for over 12 years now, but I have been involved with the church for nearly 22 years. I've never realize that until now where I've spend some time with my friends during the first 18 years of my life. Living in Utah does have a greater advantage of being involved with some great people, whatever they're a member of the church or not. When I lived in Utah for the first 10 years of my life, Mom and I never went to any church at all. I don't know if I should label my mom as an Atheist, but she has never once talked to me about God. I've tried to once, but it didn't budge. But what matters the most is that the 22 years of my life with the LDS church coming in and out of my life, I can't deny the fact that I feel that I have been blessed all this time.

      I'm struggling through a lot of things, especially as I've moved to Wichita, Kansas and not knowing what to expect. It's been over a year since I've lived here, and there has been some good things along with bad things happen over the past year. But since I've moved here, all by myself in the middle of the country...I've never felt more alone than any other time in my life. Sure I've lived in Utah on my own for 5 years since my mom moved to Oregon. I've had a lot of friends in Utah, so it wasn't that big of a deal really. But now...it's like wow...I hardly know anybody out here, and I took one good look at myself, and realize...I'm like a little child who's lost in a supermarket.

      I realize that I'm going to be here for a while, certainly not forever. I'm struggling to know where I should really start. I know the back of my mind is telling me, "Church." I love the church, I really do. I'm just not too sure about the people. I just can't seem to trust anybody. I can say that the past 5 years of my life, has made me close up my life a lot. I don't listen to people, or if anybody comes up to me and tries to talk to me, I just shut them out. I'm tired of being misunderstood or me misunderstanding people. For example, when somebody comes up to me and wants to help, I just quickly respond, "I'm good." But if I'm going to be here for quite a while, I know I need to start talking to people, and I need to start letting people know about me at church.

      I've always felt that people were gossiping about me, and never really gave me a chance to defend myself. After hanging out with a friend of mine over the past weekend, he told me a few things about how people WERE actually gossiping about me, and he had to debunk them because they don't know who I am. It's not about the image that I'm worried about...it's about the integrity about me that I'm wanting to maintain. I love to help people out and such, but I've kept that to myself because I'm afraid of being taken advantage.

      But somehow, I've got to stop and think about picking up the pieces and move on to something better.


The aftermath of Hannah Era.

                I’ve been wanting to write this out for months, but I couldn’t get around to it.  I keep thinking about it at work, school, and so on, but when I’m at a computer, it goes blank.  But I really wanted to write this out, to get it off my chest.  So here it is, the aftermath of the Hannah Era.

                I’m not going to go back and read my entries to see where I left off.  So much has happened, and I don’t feel like going in depth with the details, but to get it out. 

                Well, I met Hannah back in September, and she had shown a lot of interest in me.   At first, I knew she was pretty young, just 18.  I was flattered that she liked me, but I just wasn’t too sure of her.  So after talking to her on Facebook, I thought I would give her a chance.  So we went out, and enjoyed our company.   Time went by until the middle of October.  She was showing me interest, and I wasn’t too sure about her.  But…it seems to be going well, until October.

                About Hannah, we’re 12 years apart, and well, ever since High School, I have changed a lot…I have grown a lot.  And for me to be with somebody that young, well, it’s kinda hard for me because of the maturity level.  When I first got to know Hannah, I made a bad judgment on her because I thought she was very mature.  Well, it turned out that she wasn’t. 

                Hannah and I had a small little fight that I know we could have had worked it out.  However since that night, she disappeared on me for a month.  Would not return my calls, would not show up at church.  She was nowhere to be heard for a month.  So then just before Thanksgiving, she came back to the single’s ward.  I was happy to see her, but as one little look at me, she looked away.  I was a bit shocked.  Then I knew it was done.  She was so immature the entire time at church, and I wasn’t happy.  When I was at the church that Sunday Afternoon,   Hannah knew I was there, and she was trying to get other guys to sit by her.  She got my friend, Ben to sit by her, and Wayne to sit by him.  I was kinda fluster about that.   Then at Sacrament, I went in and sat down.  A little later, she walked in and sat somewhere else…behind me.  Then she saw Wayne, and called him over to sit by her.  The entire time, Hannah was hitting on him, and was doing it right in front of me.  She asked him out on a date, and so on. 

                Then Wayne did something unimaginable. Later that night, there was going to be another church meeting for the priesthood, and I hardly ever go to those.  But Wayne did come that night, and he was looking for me, but gave Ben a CD, to give to me.  On that CD was full of John Bytheway stuff about how to date girls.  To me, it was the greatest insult to me, and just because he thinks that he’s better than I am because Hannah was now chasing after him?  He’s sorely mistaken.  I called him the next day, and told him that I was very upset by his actions.  He tried to tell me that he really cares…but it was a joke. 

                As time went by, I’ve heard very poor things about Wayne, and I could not believe that Hannah wants to be with him.  Just right after Thanksgiving, on Facebook, I found out that Hannah and Wayne are now a couple.  Being the better man, I called Hannah to congratulate her, because I was trying to show her that I would rather be her friend, as I’ve been trying to do so.   As people had found out about them, I’ve been hearing talks about how they are not going to last.  Understanding Wayne and knowing Hannah, I would have to agree.  But little did I know who Hannah really was. 

                Wayne is the kind of person that you have to force him to do something.  I was told that just recently, he was kicked out of the house by his parents because he would not get a job.  He spends a lot of time on the computer and he has very little, next to none of a social life.  He spends a week living in his car doing nothing, and when he came to his parents, he had a hard lesson to learn.  So he started a new job.  At the time, he was 28, lives at home, has no ambitious. 

                Hannah, I was starting to get to know her.  Now it’s been 9 months since I met her.  After Thanksgiving, I found out the true Hannah, and I do understand why she’s put herself in a position as she is in now.  She’s very controlling.  When she went out with me, she did tell me that there were a few things about me that she didn’t like.  She didn’t tell me right up front what they were, but it was pretty obvious.  She doesn’t like it that I have a mind of my own.  She sees that I would be very hard to control.  So I was not a very easy target for her.   Hannah is very manipulative.  She has lied to people, and I later found out that she does not have very many friends.  A lot of people who knows her, doesn’t like her.  I have good proof of that, but won’t get into it.  As time went by, I have to say that I’m SO glad I’m not the guy for her. 

                I mentioned that Hannah doesn’t like a few things about me.  I like to call Wayne a very easy target for Hannah.  I do not believe that Hannah really loves Wayne at all.  I believe that Hannah is leading Wayne into a trap.  I really don’t care because it’s their problem.  The trap was this:  Right after Thanksgiving, they were officially a couple.  Then 3 weeks later, they got engaged.  Then on Valentine’s Day, they got married.  It was happening so fast that I couldn’t handle it myself.  I did not care about Wayne at all because I do know this…he can’t think for himself.  I did call Hannah on her birthday not to get married, because I knew she would be making a very big mistake.  That was the last time I called her.  It upset Hannah because I spoke up, and it was going to ruin her plans. 

                Plans…that Hannah thinks she has.  Hannah wanted to move up to Idaho right after the wedding.  Hannah has big plans for them, but has no solid foundation.   Wayne has hardly any work experience, and Hannah…has no college education, and no experiences.  They both moved to Idaho, in a town that isn’t job productive.  They have set themselves into a serious situation already.  And guess what?  I just found out that Hannah is now pregnant. 

                Looking back, Hannah did hurt me very deeply, and it has affected me for a very long time.  I’ve heard that she has spread rumors about me that I couldn’t or even wanted to defend myself for it.  I wanted to stay out of it, and I have been for a long time.  Now that I’m starting to come back into a group of friends…some are new and some are still around.  I just hope the Hannah Era is long forgotten, so that I can move on. 

                I cared about her, but the truth is, I really hate her.  I hate her for what she did to me.  I hate the fact that she lied to me.  I hate the fact that she spread rumors about me.  I hate the fact that she led me on and dropped me like crap.  I will never forgive her for what she did.  I now can see why a lot of people don’t like her.  And I can see why she left to Idaho to try to start a new life.  But for what she has done, she will always carry with her. 

                As for Wayne, I have tried to be a friend to him, but like I said, he doesn’t think for himself.  He’s fallen for the trap that Hannah has set up.  It’s his problem now, and I honestly do not believe that there’s true love going on between them.  Hannah wanted a fantasy to be filled as soon as possible without thinking about other consequences that will affect her life.  Wayne is now trapped in that fantasy, and I am glad that it’s not me. 

                As for me, I’ve tried really hard to let go of this whole Hannah thing.  Truth is, I keep asking myself what I did wrong.  And I really don’t know what I did wrong.  I was just being me, and I was very happy to have somebody like me for who I am.  But it was only so short.  It has really crush me, and I often ask myself, “What did I do wrong?”